Passionate Homemaking

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Written by monthly contributing writer, Trina Holden

It all started with a  mowhawk. Maybe I was finally tuning into my inner rebel. Maybe I wanted to prove to my son that how he wore his hair would never affect our relationship. After all, hair doesn’t really matter that much, does it? Whatever the reason, instead of buzzing all his hair short for summer, I left a strip on the top long, and showed him how we would mowhawk it next time we went out. It was cute and fun, and — I thought — entirely harmless.

Then came a conversation with my wise father-in-law over a family campfire later that month. I did a really brave (or stupid) thing, and asked him what he thought of how we were doing as parents to his grandchildren. I was not surprised when he mentioned the mowhawk. I tried to brush it off, to explain that it really wasn’t that big a deal. Jesse hadn‘t seemed to care much — it was pretty much a non event. But then Dad said something that opened my eyes to what I had been blind to. It wasn’t the mowhawk, or just the mowhawk that was the problem. He had observed that I had a tendency to put too much emphasis on physical appearance, and that giving my son a special hair cut at age 4 could be significantly affecting his blueprint in regards to his outward appearance.

What on earth is a Blueprint? We all have one –  it’s the mindset that shapes our thoughts and actions for all of life. Blueprints are set at a young age, often by a child’s first impressions on an issue. Many believe 5 years is the end of the first phase of childhood, and that life-long blueprinting has been cemented by this time. Biblical evidence backs up this theory. Moses was weaned at age 5 and left his home and his people, but he never forgot who he was. Samuel was also 5 when his mother left him in the care of Eli. She must have done well in training him in those first 5 years — he certainly didn’t become the Godly leader he was by following Eli‘s example. Our blueprint affects our choices about money, health, entertainment, relationships, self, God, and more.

After my conversation with my father-in-law I was suddenly sobered by the idea that the season of blueprinting my son was drawing to a close - he would be five at the end of the summer. We hadn’t  even started school yet, but he had absorbed so much. What did he already believe about life? His future decisions would be based on which impressions and examples he had received in these first years? And what was I subconsciously impressing on his little sister and younger brother? Now that I was aware of the process, what could I be doing to give them a more Godly, balanced blueprint? I quickly became aware of so many areas in which I needed to become more intentional.

• Self-worth     Does my child get accepted and receive fellowship when he does good, and degraded or shunned when he fails? This can create a driven perfectionist who believes their worth is in their accomplishments. I need to affirm verbally and with actions that he is loved unconditionally.
• Body Image     Am I putting too much emphasis on the physical appearance? I love to dress my kids and keep their hair tidy, but I need to be cautious of how much fanfare I create over their appearance. Overemphasizing beauty or looks can confuse the message that their heart is what matters most.
• Technology     Does my child see that the internet is a tool, or that it takes priority over relationship with him?  My generation knows that we can live without the internet and cell phones, because we did until the last two decades. But he won’t have a vision for the proper role of technology in his media-saturated world unless I exemplify balance.
• God     Does my child know that God is alive, personal, and loves him? Not unless I am living authentically before him – exemplifying and explaining prayer, repentance, humility, and the sanctifying power of the gospel will he have a blueprint that will guide him to a personal relationship with Christ.

Rather than feeling overwhelmed and fearful at the significant impact my every action can have on my son’s future, I’m excited and humbled by the opportunity to give him a strong foundation in things that are eternally significant. It drives me to go before God regularly to make sure I’m getting my own blueprint re-aligned with God’s view of me. May we be as intentional with what our children absorb outside the classroom as we are with the concrete lessons of reading and writing.

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Written by monthly contributor, Natalie Didlake

As my children grow older, I am continually tempted to think training and raising them grows more complicated. Every day seems to hold at least one situation that I have no idea how to handle. I regularly feel like that high school teacher we all had: the sweet, quiet one who got spit balls on the back of the neck and whose verbal warnings got drowned out by an out-of-control class. It can be downright overwhelming and confusing.

I am tempted to sigh in frustration when we have unresolved issues, telling myself it’s gotten out of hand. I want to give in to feeling hopeless, or ignore the problem entirely. Yeah right. Deep down, I know that if I surrender to my parenting problems, they will not go away. My kids will be incomplete, and so will I.

So what can I do when I have no clue how to handle my kids? I know I’m the authority. I want to do my job. But I have no idea what exactly that entails.

Recently, I’ve been having many victories over my hopeless attitude, and also gaining lots of insights into how to handle my kids better!

The tools I’ve been using are so simple, I can’t believe I ever by-passed them and choose frustration instead! Here’s a summary:

1. Identify my “give-up” attitude toward raising my kids. Vow to mentally tackle the issue at hand, ASAP. No more brushing it under the rug.
2. Pray. Confess your reliance upon God as the source of the answers. I believe He wants me to raise my kids in the Lord, since he says so in Ephesians 6:4. Therefore, I also believe he will give me exactly what I need, if I ask. (James 1:5)
3. Think hard, trying to narrow down the specific issue at hand. Not trying to reason through it myself, but allowing scripture to sort through what my kids need to trained in, and what to let go. Oftentimes the hardest part!

A few months ago, our third child joined the other two as a full-blown talker. All three of them talking, talking, talking, all day long!

I had a general sense there was far too much talking here. But I couldn’t very well say, “Don’t talk so much!” or “Be nice in what you say!” or “Can’t I just have 5 minutes of peace and quiet!!!” Nope. Not great parenting.

I decided to just pray and ask the Lord to show me how to teach them about their speech patterns. I began seeing more specific issues that I needed to tackle one at a time. Things like interrupting (being rude, I Cor. 13); arguing (Phil. 2:14); and using harsh tones (Pr. 15:1).

These were the easy ones. Some we are working through, and others I haven’t identified yet. But one stands out in my mind as a moment the Lord spoke crystal clear, through a scripture.

My children suddenly had begun coming to me about every 2 minutes, saying things like, “Mommy, R. hit me.” “Mommy, S. won’t share.” “Mommy, L. ate my snack.” I believed they were telling the truth. And I knew it was my job to serve justice. But really? Complaining about each other all day long? I knew it wasn’t the tone I wanted in our home, but could think of no concrete way to explain it to my toddlers.

Then I remembered what I read that morning, what Jesus told his disciples:

Do not think that I will accuse you to the Father. John 5:45

Accusing…that was it! My children were accusing each other. It’s so clear that Jesus is about helping, defending, and rescuing, not accusing. No wonder it bothered me so much! I researched and found out that Satan is called the “accuser of our brothers…who accuses them day and night before our God.” (Rev. 12:10)

I was so thrilled to see a solution emerge right from God’s mouth, his very word. I sat down my kids and explained to them the contrast between Jesus and Satan, and how they speak about people. Their eyes went wide when I told them Satan is an accuser who spends all day accusing us before God!

How incredible, for God to speak so directly to me and my children, as I struggle to train them!

How has God spoken to you through his word in your child-rearing? Please share!

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